


hikariare

by madeofstarlights



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Canon-Typical Violence, Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Killua Zoldyck Swears, Non-Graphic Violence, Pining, Pre-Chimera Ant Arc (Hunter X Hunter), Swearing, mentions of ging freecss, no beta we die like my respect for ging freecss, no chimera ant arc spoilers, you know just all around good hxh fun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:28:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28017006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madeofstarlights/pseuds/madeofstarlights
Summary: Killua couldn't see why his family was so against him leaving. As much as he dreads to, he knows that he’ll eventually have to come home again cause it’s not like he got somewhere else to go. It’s not like he’ll find someone who can accept him for who he is, flaws and all. It’s not like he’ll actually be capable of letting anyone into his life and be – what, forever friends with them or something? Ha. Illumi had spent way too much time making sure that that would never happen. No, not a chance.Who would wanna be his friend anyway? Who would be willing to accept him, flaws and all, without questioning whether or not he’ll rip their hearts out or how much ransom he’d worth or if they’d be scared of his pasty pale skin and his razor-sharp nails and –“I’m Gon!”Oh.Oh, alright.
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, this fic is killugon-centric so...
Comments: 10
Kudos: 31





	hikariare

**Author's Note:**

> just wanna let yall know that this is NOT an original idea of mine – what this is is basically a retelling of the whole hxh from Killua's perspective!! its been a hot while since i have written ANYTHING and i currently got no original ideas so i figure, hey, what better way to practice your writing than to rewrite a series that you love from your favorite character's perspectives.. haha. i wasn't going to publish this, but i felt bad if i just let this sitting on my gdocs file collecting dust, so... here i am and here it is! disclaimer: obviously i don't own hxh and everything is owned by togashi.

First rule of the Zoldyck estate: _don’t ever let the light seeps in_.

Well, actually. The first rule was and will always be _don’t kill other Zoldycks,_ with an abundance of fun variations such as _blackmail is okay, but no killing!_ , or _torturing them to insanity is encouraged for character building, but no killing!_ , or, Illumi’s personal favorite and Killua’s personal _least_ favorite, _embedding a needle of the physical embodiment of mental abuse and manipulation into your brother’s forehead to keep them in line is okay, as long as it’s not killing him!_

But the number one _unspoken_ rule of the Zoldyck estate is not to let the light seeps in.

Killua thought it seems stupid. It’s not like they’ll die because of sun exposures – they’re not vampires (oh, his grandfather Zeno would _love_ that. He’s a sucker for those blood-sucking night creatures. But alas, they’re not). Still, his family made it very clear that they’ll make sure that they’ll get as little sunlight as possible.

The Zoldyck estate is less of an estate and more of a fortress, you see. Every hallway and every room is just an endless wall of bricks and stones and lamps that hang just above your head, just enough to keep people from running face-first into another wall. Almost all rooms didn’t even have windows, as the Zoldycks seem to think that vacant spaces on walls are meant to display their favorite torturing devices or act as a fake wall that’s actually a secret door to a hidden room that’s filled with… more torturing devices. Killua’s almost convinced that some hundred years ago, upon building this estate, when the architect asked his ancestors what kind of style they prefer, they had said _dungeon but make it fancy_.

(Killua thinks that they just call it _estate_ instead of _fortress_ cause they think it got a nicer ring to it. Although why a notorious family of assassins would care about their image being anything near ‘nice’ is beyond his comprehension.)

So he thought, _well, okay. My whole family has lived like this for generations, and we all turned out fine – sorta. Who needs sunlight and fresh air anyway. Not me._

But it’s getting suffocated in the estate sometimes. Even if he went on a stroll outside, in the thick forest that he calls backyard, it all still feels bland, damp, dull. Whenever he mentioned “I’m bored!” to anyone, they’d just tell him to go train some more. Or worse, gives him a list of targets waiting to get their throats slit.

Being a born-gifted prodigy of an infamous assassin family has one downside: nothing else really excites you anymore after a while. His training sessions feel like a playground. It's like, _really, Illumi? That poison again? I’m so sick of having cyanide in my mouth – it’s just almond and it got no other taste variations. Oh, now here comes Milluki with the whip, woohoo. Yes, whip me harder, you might be able to scratch the itchy spot that I’ve had on my backs for days and I can finally sleep peacefully then._ Even his job feels repetitive. _Oh, torture time is over and it’s time for me to actually contribute to the family’s economy? Fine, let me see how sharp I can modify my claws this time, and let’s get this over with._

There’s no thrill! There’s no excitement! Killua’s twelve years old now; he wanted to experience more in his life than just _this_. Surely there’s more to being twelve than just mindless killing and training, like… Like exploring foreign territories filled with unknown beasts and being hunted for once, or testing out new scrumptious poisons that actually do more than just giving him slight nausea, or – or whatever it is that other totally normal twelve years olds do with their free time. How would he know, he’s never met any other twelve years olds before.

So when he heard that the annual hunter exam will be held in just a few days, Killua decided to participate. Not because he’s interested in becoming a hunter per se – there are only very few things that the hunter license could buy him that his family couldn’t, and he’s not interested in any of them. But he figured the experience might be some sort of a breather from his stuffy household. It might be fun. Who knows.

Then he left without a hitch. Well, actually – he stabbed his brother and scratched his mother across the face but! Those are minor details! What matters is that he _left_ , though he would prefer it if his family would just calm down and not freak out so much.

He can’t see why his family was so against him going, anyway. It’s not like he had turned his back on them forever. He’s just fed up with the estate, how boring his daily routine has become, and tired of being constantly controlled by his bitch brother Illumi – he wanted a new, fresh thrill in his life for _once_ , that’s all. As much as he dreads to, he knows that he’ll eventually have to come home again, cause it’s not like he got somewhere else to go. It’s not like he’ll find someone who can accept him for who he is, flaws and all. It’s not like he’ll actually be capable of letting anyone into his life and be – what, forever friends with them or something? Ha. Illumi had spent way too much time making sure that that would never happen. No, not a chance.

Who would wanna be his friend anyway? Who would be willing to accept him, flaws and all, without questioning whether or not he’ll rip their hearts out or how much ransom he’d worth or if they’d be scared of his pasty pale skin and his razor-sharp nails and –

“I’m Gon!”

Oh.

Oh, alright. 

**

Usually when people hear the name _Zoldyck_ they either,

1\. Tremble in fear, probably afraid that he’ll murder them. Which was _stupid_ cause why on earth would he use his talent and energy on some insignificant fool who’s not even on his job list? Not worth it. He’d rather sit back and not waste his time like that, thank you very much,

2\. Tell him their sob story of how a person close to them was murdered by a – _gasp! Zoldyck! Shocker!_ – and how sorry he’ll be, cause they’ll get their revenge soon, _just you wait, you filthy murderer_! Which was also _stupid_ , cause as bad as killing is, at the end of the day, to him and his family, it’s just business, come on. It’s not like he particularly enjoyed killing – he was just doing the job that _someone else hired him to do_ , did they forget about that part? Maybe they should’ve taken their complaints to the person who sought the Zoldycks ( _literal assassins who are currently open for business_ ) out to assassinate whoever it is they asked them to assassinate. It’s really no use to complain to Killua; what were they expecting? For him to pack up a gift basket, wrote a formal apology letter, and give them a free Zoldyck service discount coupon?, or

3\. Run away within the first five minutes using some generic excuses like, _whoops would you look at the time haha I have another appointment!_ or _I think I’m going to take a piss now, except it’ll take forever cause I don’t ever want to see you again, you horrifying child_. Which was the smartest option so far cause Killua has no interest in interacting with boring people anyway, so it would save both of their time. Plus they don’t have to do the awkward small talk that makes Killua cringed to his bone, so it’s a win-win situation!

But then this tiny sunshine of a boy cladded head-to-toe in a matching green monochrome get up and lace boots show up, smiles at him like he’s not a killing machine – like he’s an _actual human person_ – and offers reaction number 4:

4\. Nothing. No reaction at all. Nada.

(By far, this is Killua’s favorite reaction of people upon hearing the name Zoldyck. But he won’t let anyone know about that – mostly because he got no one to talk to about this imaginary list of reactions that he made up in his head, but partly because the only person who has ever used this reaction is, well, Gon.)

At first, Killua thought _hm. Maybe it’d be fun to play with him for a little while. Pretend that it actually_ is _a joke and that I’m just a regular kid from a totally normal family who takes this exam because of my ambition or whatever_.

_Maybe if he can believe that, I can pretend to believe that too._

“I really gotcha with that one, didn’t I!” Killua throws his head back, laughing as if he’d just told the funniest joke in the world. A part of him wondered what Gon’s laughter would sound like.

Wait, no. He shouldn’t have to _wonder_ , he should’ve heard it already. Why is there no other laughter beside his? Why is Gon not laughing – oh no this is so awkward – did Gon think he’s not funny?

Killua opens his eyes, half hoping to see Gon at least suppressing his laughter or on the verge of holding back his laughter for too long. _Maybe he doesn’t want just anyone to hear his laughter or something. Damn, I should’ve thought of that, I’m the one who’s supposed to be this super-assassin who’s devoid of any feelings whatsoever_.

But instead, Gon just stares at him with a small, innocent smile on his face. “But it’s _true_ , isn’t it?”

Oh.

Interesting. So he’s not fazed at all, huh.

“You think so?” Killua asked, just to be sure. Maybe this time Gon will be the one laughing or saying something along the line of “ _of course not, haha, gotcha! Assassin families aren’t real, and you’re just a totally normal boy with totally normal parents, a totally normal set of siblings, and a totally normal childhood! Totally normal!”_

But Gon didn’t laugh or say any of that. His smile only got wider. “Sure do!”

Killua stares at him for a while, trying to analyze any hint of fear or disdain that might slip through Gon’s smiling face. He took pride in his ability to read other people (well, it’s not like it's _that_ hard, compared to any other abilities that he took pride in). Human beings tend to have a hard time concealing their true nature and emotions, especially if it’s an unpleasant one. It’s always been so easy for Killua to peel through people’s masks and expose their true feelings, because, well, those feelings have already been there all along anyway. All he gotta is to just take a little peek deeper beneath the surface and everything will reveal itself.

But in Gon’s smile, there’s… nothing. There’s nothing hidden underneath. If anything, his eyes now shine a bit brighter with slight fascination and a lot of curiosity – which is normal, Killua thought, because it’s probably not every day that Gon gets to meet the son of the most infamous assassin family around.

Killua suspects for a moment that Gon might be a son of an assassin family himself – one that’s less popular than his family, of course. But even in his mind, that possibility sounded so incredibly ridiculous – there’s no way. No assassins would wear their heart and emotions on their sleeves the way Gon does, and no assassins have a smile as bright as Gon’s. Even if all that happy-go-lucky attitude Gon has was just a facade, Killua thought he would be able to spot another assassin from a mile away. There’s just no way that Gon could be one.

So… That’s just that, then. Slight fascination and a lot of curiosity. That’s all there is?

 _Well,_ Killua thought. _Okay then._

“Assassination,” he starts. “It’s the family business. We all take it up – me and my siblings. But my parents see me as an _exceptional prospect._ They want me to be the heir, or whatever.” _yikes,_ Killua thought. He never wanted to be the heir. Saying that only brings up a sour taste in his mouth. Why don’t his parents give that to Illumi instead, the one person who wanted it more than anything?

Killua decides to continue anyway. “But I don’t see why I should have to live up to _their_ expectations, y’know? I want to do my own thing! Like –”

Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down there. Gon reacted with _nothing_ upon hearing that he’s a Zoldyck, and now he’s just gonna lay his life story like that? All Gon didn’t even ask him to elaborate on the fact that he’s a Zoldyck, he probably wouldn’t care if Killua was the freaking heir or something.

Killua’s sense of shame started to swell in his chest. _This is so embarrassing, this is so embarrassing for me, why did I even tell him that I’m the heir, he probably doesn’t even wanna know, he’ll just think that I’m a total snob or something oh no oh no oh – oh wait why do I even care about what he thinks. It’s not like I wanted to impress him or anything – oh WAIT if I actually wanted to impress him then I would have intentionally told him that I’m the heir, right? So I’m not trying to impress him – ha! Who needs to impress anyone? Not me. Wait shit have I been quiet for too long? Oh no he’s gonna think that I’m weird, stopping mid-sentence like that…. But what would I even tell him anyway, what_ is _my own thing? I don’t even know what_ my own thing _is. Ugh, that can wait, I’ll figure that one out later – I just have to say something – and now I’m definitely being quiet for too long oh my god this is so embarrassing I usually never have this much thought about anything when meeting new people what the fuck –_

“Whoa, that’s so cool, Killua!” Gon’s voice snapped Killua back to reality. _Oh right. I stopped mid-sentence._

‘Cool’, yeah, nice compliment. Killua almost successfully diverts the topic of the conversation so that they won’t have to talk about his family anymore – but then he made the mistake of looking into Gon’s eyes. Those damn big eyes that burn with curiosity… And realizes that Gon was waiting.

Gon was waiting for him to finish his story.

_Oh._

_Oh, alright then._

“When I told them I would decide my _own_ future, they freaked out!” Killua continued. “My mom – ever so dramatic – with tears in her eyes, she said that I was throwing my life away. Then things got nasty! I slashed her in the face and stabbed my older brother in the side. And then I left.”

“Oh really? So what are you going to do after this exam?” Gon asked.

There it is, the million jenny question. Although it would be easier for Killua to acquire a million jenny than to answer that question just now. 

_I can just make it up,_ Killua thought. _Gon and I would probably part ways once this exam is over. As much as I dread that._

“Well. After I get my license…” he trails. _Think, think, what could I possibly want that’s actually believable?_ “After I get my license, I’m gonna hunt my family down, to the last one. Once I collect the bounties on their heads, I’ll be set for life!” _There, that’s a completely reasonable goal, right? Who doesn’t want freedom? And it’s not like I’m completely lying anyway, the plan doesn’t sound so bad – maybe I’ll actually try to go with it. It’s not like I have anything else going on for me after this exam anyway. Not like I got anywhere else to be, too._

“You?” Killua asked back.

Gon smiles got wider. “I’m gonna find my dad!”

“Your dad? Where is he?”

“Yeah! He’s a hunter too – he’s the reason I take this exam! But I don’t know where he is, he left when I was still a baby.”

“A baby?!” Killua almost screamed. _How could anyone leave a baby – no scratch that – how could anyone leave Gon – no scratch that again – how could anyone leave_ Gon _as a_ baby? _Stupid dad, he doesn’t know what he’s missing on._

“It’s okay, I don’t mind!” Gon laughed. “It just means that being a hunter is such an amazing job that he’s willing to leave his family, right? Besides, it’s not like he leaves me _all alone_ – I have my aunt Mito and my grandma! And now I have friends. So everything works out well!”

“Friends?” Killua asked. Friends. Huh. The word feels so foreign on his tongue.

“Yeah! I met Leorio and Kurapika on the ship that takes us to the port nearest to the exam site –” 

_Oh yeah, them. They did seem close. That’s nice._

“– and then I met you!”

Killua blinks. “Me?”

“Yeah!” Gon giggled. “We’re friends, right?”

“Ah… Right.”

_Friends, huh?_

_Friends…_

**

“Friends? That’s not happening.” Illumi’s cold voice rang in Killua’s ears. “You are incapable of friendship. Or of seeing anyone as anything except a target.”

 _Of course,_ Killua thought begrudgingly. _Of course my rat-mole of a brother would show up out of fucking nowhere and ruin everything when things are starting to look up for me._

Killua was never one to be frightened or intimidated by anything. Of course he wasn’t – he was raised to withstand all emotional traumas, no matter how harrowing it might be. But Illumi’s presence has always been too overwhelming for him. It’s like he sucked out all the air from every room he walks into and replaced it with this unsettling aura he emits that just won’t go away, no matter how hard Killua tries to ignore it. Illumi’s quiet and observant – it’s like he always calculates every single move that he makes carefully as if he’s threading the entire Zoldyck’s family future. He’s the perfect son, the perfect assassin, their father’s right-hand man.

A sense of pride blooms in Killua’s chest. This was a small accomplishment – he had managed to tell Illumi about what he _wanted_ , despite the fact that Illumi terrified the shit out of him and would never approve of his newfound friendship.

“I want to be friends with Gon.” Killua stated, a little louder than before. _I have to stand my ground,_ he thought. _I won’t let Illumi bully me._ “I’m so tired of killing. I just want to be –” _nothing,_ a voice echoes in his mind. _You’re nothing. You can’t be anything other than what you are, you can’t change that. Who are you trying to fool now?_

_Shut up, inner voice._

“– a kid.” Killua choked out. “I just want to be a _kid._ And I want to… hang out with Gon. That’s it.”

Illumi raised an eyebrow, ever so slightly. “Kil,” he said. “Gon is a radiant presence. He’s too dazzling for your eyes. Surely you know how different you are from him.”

_Yes, we’re different, but that shouldn’t matter… Right? We really bonded over the past few days. That must’ve counted for something…_

“There’s no fire in you. Just darkness.”

_...Shut up._

“You don’t want anything or wish for anything. As one who lives in the shadows, your only joy is in causing death.”

_Shut up. I’m tired of that._

“Gon just happens to pique your curiosity, no more than that. Now that your curiosity is satisfied, why go on?”

“You’re wrong, I –”

“If you try to be friends with him,” Illumi interrupted. “You will one day get the urge to see if you can kill him or not. It’s that simple.” _No, that won’t happen. Shut up._ “Killing him would be the only thing that will matter because –”

_Shut up. Shut up, Illumi, shut the fuck up._

“–you are by _nature_ a murderer.”

The whole room spun. Illumi’s dark eyes were so beguiling that Killua felt as if he had vanished from the face of the earth, and entered a realm of darkness, trapped inside of those big soulless eyes.

_By nature, a murderer._

_I would never kill Gon, no matter what –_

_By nature, a murderer._

_– happens. I know I would never do that. I–_

_By nature, a murderer._

_– would not kill someone I considered a friend, even if –_

_By nature, a murderer._

_– Gon didn’t see me as one. I would never –_

_By nature, a murderer._

_– kill him. Shut up shut up shut up –_

_By nature, a murderer._

_You can’t erase years of training and lessons from your family._

_You can’t erase who you are._

_By nature, a murderer._

A sliver of doubt crept itself into Killua’s mind. Most of what Illumi said was true, wasn’t it? Gon and he came from two very different backgrounds – Gon was so joyful, radiant, blinding, everything he was not. Forget about what _he_ wants – what does _Gon_ want? Does Gon even want to be friends with him? How could he be sure that Gon wasn’t just being nice and friendly, and he’s the one who took it too far by expecting a… a _friendship?_ Killua was sure that Gon had his other friends, ones without crazy parents and crazy brothers with crazy visions of him being a damn assassin, why would Gon even want _him_ around? 

“Killua, just beat the crap out of your jerk brother and _win_ already!”

Killua's head snapped, taken back to reality. He looks around and starts searching for the source of the voice – that’s… That’s… What’s his name again? Loradio? Leonardo? Whatever his name is (Lerodio?), Killua had to applaud him for bravery. Not many people could yell and insult his brother like that – even the atmosphere of the room had changed ever since Illumi revealed his true self. Everyone seemed to be holding their breath, either from anticipation or tension – but this glasses guy (Lorireo?) seemed to be unfazed by Illumi’s terrifying presence. If anything, it’s like he was more irritated than scared. Was that bravery or naivety, who knows. Probably both. Killua made a mental note to learn the guy’s name properly.

“You want to become friends with Gon?” Lerio (?) yelled. “Are you daft? You already are friends!”

_You already are… friends… with Gon?_

“I’m sure that’s how Gon feels!”

Killua had to suppress his smile. Yeah, things might be shit. His asshole brother Illumi was here with his black inky eyes, probably was sent by his mother to drag him back home, and when his parents found out about this whole debacle – and they _will_ know – they would drill the whole _Zoldyck heir, brightest assassin the family has ever seen_ scenario into his brain even more, restricting him from leaving the estate even more, and caging him in that awful estate that stench like death and misery even more.

But none of that mattered to Killua.

 _I... have someone that calls me his friend,_ he thought. _Gon thinks we’re friends._

“Does he?” Illumi spoke, and all warm feelings that resided in Killua’s stomach vanished. _Oh no._

For the first time since what feels like forever, Illumi peels his eyes away from Killua and turns to Lerodio (?), “You mean that?”

Liroreo (?) doesn’t even miss a beat and yells, “Every _flippin’_ word, pinboy!”

Hands on his chin, Illumi said, “Hm… that’s a problem.” _No. No, no, no –_ “He considers Kil a friend…”

 _No. No, no, no, please, PLEASE, no. Please. I’ve never begged for anything, not even when you torture me to near insanity, but this once, I’m willing to. Please just leave Gon alone, he’s done nothing wrong, he was just a kid trying to be a hunter to find his stupid dad, he got nothing to do with our family – it was_ my _fault. It was my fault for letting my guards down and be stupid enough to think that I can be… normal. And have normal friendships. It was stupid of me to think that I can run away from my family. Punish me, all you want, it was_ my _fault, not his, so please just leave him alone, I’ll –_

_– I’ll leave him too. I’ll go home right now, and I won’t try to run away ever again, but please don’t kill –_

“... Guess I’ll have to kill him.” Illumi finishes.

The silence in the room was deafening. Killua felt his body frozen to the core – he’d been through many training regimes where he’s left in an ice frozen water for body endurance training more times than he can remember, but he has never felt as frozen as this. 

Killua was paralyzed. He could only stand there and watch as Illumi stepped away from him, asking a security guard where Gon was and sticking needles to their face to reel the answer.

_Stop him. What are you doing? Stop him. Move. Just move your feet, come on –_

Killua could only watch as the other applicants stood right in front of the exit, blocking Illumi’s way as if they were taunting him that he’d have to go through _them_ first before he could even touch Gon.

 _Join them. Move your feet, come on, you can’t be stuck like this – Gon needs you. You understand? These people will also die if Illumi gets his way, you’re the only one who has any chance of stopping him, you’re the only one who_ knows _him, you’re the one that got into this mess. Come on, take responsibility –_

“Ah! That’s it!” Illumi’s voice echoed through the room. “I’ll pass the exam first. And _then_ kill Gon!”

_Pass the exam first._

Meaning Killua would have to fight Illumi.

 _Do it now,_ a brave voice in Killua’s head said. _If you can defeat him, then you’ll have time to go to Gon and take him far away while Illumi’s distracted with another opponent. Take him now while he’s distracted, that’s the only hope you have, you’ll never win if he has his full focus on you. Move, stupid feet – while I still got hope, fucking move. Attack him now while he’s –_

“What do _you_ think, Kil?” Illumi asked.

Killua could feel his heart dropping to the floor. _Too late. I’m too late._

“There’s only one way to save Gon, and that’s for you to fight me and _win._ ” Illumi tilted his head and continued, “but is saving Gon enough of a reason for you to want to fight me? I rather doubt it.”

 _Fighting Illumi_. The last time Killua had done that was when he was only 5 years old. He’d lost, of course, and Illumi along with their father had made sure to teach him a lesson he’d never forget. He was left all alone, abandoned in the Kukuroo forest with all the beasts acting on his father’s command to devour him should he let his guards down, with the poison still tastes bitter in his mouth. Killing three birds with one stone, they had said, was a rather effective strategy for Killua to learn his lessons. Three lessons, all at once; 1. How to survive in the wild with hungry beasts standing on their claws to eat you up for dinner, 2. How to fight the poison from spreading through his nerves, and 3. The most important one of all – to never _ever_ pick a fight with someone stronger than you.

 _Fighting Illumi_. It’s been 7 years, and it seemed like a second-round is due. Still, even with all the knowledge and techniques he’d learned over the years, he doubted that he could even lay a finger on his brother. He felt like he was just as much of a scared child as he was back then.

_Fighting Illumi._

_Saving Gon._

_I want to save Gon. I_ have _to save Gon._

_But fighting Illumi… I’d never win. Never go up against an enemy who’s stronger than you – that’s a lesson he always taught me. I’d never win. There’s no way I’d win – there’s no chance. I could just admit defeat but –_

_But Gon. He deserves to be saved. To even think that someone like him would be killed over a petty family dispute – no. I don’t even want to think about that. He deserves to be saved, he deserves so much more than a useless boy who cowered in terror –_

“You’re not even thinking about your ‘friend’ right now, aren’t you?” Illumi guessed sharply. _Wrong, Illumi_. “The only question in your mind is whether you can beat me or not!”

Illumi moved forward, and much to Killua’s horror, he raised his palm towards his face with a menacing small smirk tugged on the corner of his mouth. “And you have your answer already… You have no chance against me.”

Illumi took a step forward. And another step forward. “ _Never go up against a superior opponent,_ remember, Kil? I made sure I _hammered_ that lesson to your head.” Another step forward.

Too close. Illumi’s too close. Killua felt suffocated all of the sudden – his nerves came alive, miraculously, and he stumbled backward –

“Don’t move.”

Frozen again. Illumi’s aura was not hostile anymore, it was _sinister_.

“Your very next move will signal the beginning of our fight. It will be that, or… when my fingers touch you.”

 _How could I have a demon for a brother?_ Killua wondered. The question was immediately answered, _because your whole family is full of demons. Including you._

“There’s only one other option. And it’s your choice. However, if you choose it… your precious Gon _will_ die.”

There’s a sharp sting on Killua’s forehead, right in the center where Illumi’s hand would be touching in any second. It’s like his head was suddenly pricked by an invisible searing hot needle, clouding his thoughts with hazy smokes and shadows.

_Surrender._

_But Gon –_

_You can’t win this fight, you know that. You know the worst is yet to come. Surrender._

_I can’t let Illumi go anywhere near Gon –_

_You know what’s going to happen if you fight him. You can’t win. It’s impossible. He’s stronger than you. Surrender._

_I can’t let him hurt Gon –_

_He made you who you are. What makes you think you can take him down? Everything you are is a result of what he taught you. Surrender._

_I hate everything I am. But I don’t hate myself when I’m with Gon, I –_

_That doesn’t mean anything. You’re still a murderer. An assassin with an unquenchable thirst for blood. You are not made for friends. Gon has always been too good for you, you’ll hurt him someday. You don’t want that, do you? Surrender._

_This is the first time I have someone to call a friend, someone to fight for. I’m not giving him up._

_All this is, is a losing fight. Surrender._

_He’s my friend._

_He’s not meant for you. He’s not meant for your world. He’ll only suffer – why are you trying so hard to bring him into misery?_

_No, that’s not what I –_

_It would be so much easier if you just surrender. Give up all of this heroic facade, you know how rotten you are on the inside. Go back to the comfort of what’s familiar to you. Go back home. You’ll only ever be accepted there. You’ll only be allowed to have a life there._

_I would give up everything I know just for the slight chance of a new life, one where I’m_ free. 

_That’s foolish. That will never happen. You know that. Just surrender._

_Surrender._

_Surrender now, Killua. Why are you fighting so hard for a friend that will never be yours?_

_Surrender._

Illumi’s hands were only inches away from Killua’s face, and the pain on his forehead was unbearable.

_It hurts._

_So surrender now. Before it’s too late. You can still save yourself, it will stop hurting. You know you’ll never win. Surrender._

_But Gon –_

_Surrender._

_Surrender._

_Surrender._

It was all too much.

“I surrender.” Killua blurted. “I lose.”

Illumi let his hand fall to his side, and Killua felt an unbelievable sense of relief washing over him. The pain was gone. His head was now clear. But –

_Oh, fuck. What have I done?_

“Oh, good.” Illumi clapped his hand. “No need for _us_ to fight, after all.”

– Gon. Killua needs to go _now_ , who cares about the exam, he never wanted to be a hunter anyway. Illumi was going to _kill_ Gon, that was all that mattered, and maybe Killua survived this almost-fight but if Illumi ever came to Gon with the intent to kill, then Killua would have no other option but to fight his brother. It wasn’t over _yet._

Gon. Where’s Gon? Killua wanted so desperately to run, take Gon away, away from him, away from his vile brother – _just go back to your island, find your dad, and forget you ever met me, Gon, I’m sorry_ – but his body was still frozen.

Still paralyzed from fear.

Illumi tends to have that effect on him.

“As for Gon… heh. I was just kidding. I won’t touch him. This was all about testing _you_. And that test proves…” Illumi crouches down, grabs a handful of Killua’s silver hair, his nails scratching harshly on his scalp, and whispers softly, “you’re just not _qualified_ to make friends. Not that you need any.”

_Useless._

_So useless. And I have the audacity to want Gon as my friend?_

“You’ll keep doing what you’ve always done; the job dad and I trained you to do.” Illumi continued, and with that, he left. Killua could only stare at his brother’s long hair swaying on his back as he fades away from view.

An unspoken word has passed between them – a word Killua heard so clearly on his mind.

_That’s all you’ll ever be good for, anyway._

**

Compared to the mischief that he did, solitary confinement doesn’t seem like a fitting punishment at all – it felt like something that he’d have to go through if was caught talking back to his mother Kikyo or deliberately messing up with Milluki’s computer just for the fun of it, not for something more serious like stabbing his mother and brother _and_ running away from home.

But when he saw Milluki approaching him with a leather whip in his hand, forcing him to go to his favorite torture chamber filled with dangling chains and handcuffs, it all made perfect sense.

The whole ordeal was personal to Milluki. He might’ve been pissed at Killua for stabbing him, and now he wanted to get back at him – but of course, Milluki wouldn’t do that if Killua’s hands were free. Those claws were too dangerous, and Killua was still a way better assassin than him, despite their five years age difference. Solitary confinement was Milluki’s best bet of beating Killua up without getting himself injured.

 _Scaredy-cat,_ Killua thought.

“What are you smirkin’ about?” Milluki asked as he dangled Killua from the iron handcuff in the center of the room.

Killua didn’t bother to respond. There was a dull sting on his chest where Milluki’s leather whip met his skin, but there was a larger ache on his heart in the shape of his best friend. _Go have your fun, Mil_ , Killua thought. _I’d never regret meeting Gon._

Meeting Gon.

In the midst of all the terrors and horrors, there was one event in Killua’s past that he remembered fondly. It was the first time he ever saw a shooting star, on one cold winter night when he was hired to assassinate a senator who lived far in a lone countryside, far from the city. Just as he was arriving at what should have been the crime scene, his father called and told him that the assassination won’t be necessary anymore, because the client who hired him was found dead on his desk, murdered by another assassin. At the time, Killua felt pretty annoyed – the journey itself took three hours, and it was the first time Killua had ever traveled to the countryside where there’s nothing but a land of grass and an open clear sky. Killua could’ve gone home – he thought about it. But he decided to sit on a patch of grass and stared into _nothing._

He didn’t know what he was expecting. He just thought that it felt nice to just _exist_ for a while – not as an assassin hired for murder or as the heir of his family’s fortune, but just as a normal, regular eight years old kid without a name to himself. He wasn’t a Zoldyck that night, he was just _Killua._

He was about to leave when he saw it. The shooting star. It happened so fast, but Killua could still remember the way it glistens in the sky, how it’s tail slices through the midnight sky and into the horizon. It was a sight to behold – there was nothing like that in the city he usually worked in or in the sky above the Kukuroo mountains. 

“ _It means you’re incredibly lucky, Master Killua,”_ Canary had said when Killua finally boarded the plane on his way home. “ _Shooting stars are rare. It’s an amazing occurrence where you had to be at the right place at the right time, just to catch a glimpse at them._ ”

And Canary was right. No matter how many times he sneaked out of his room at night and perched himself on top of the highest tree in the mountain, he never did see another shooting star after that. He thought that those kinds of rare occurrences could ever happen only once, until –

– until he met Gon.

_The right place at the right time, huh._

“Heard you got a friend.” Milluki’s voice interrupted his thought. “You don’t get it, do you? You’re an _assassin."_

Killua felt a leather whip on his face.

“You don’t need _friends."_

Another whip on his arms.

_Yeah, well, you don’t need figurines to make up for all the attention mom and dad failed to give you either, but here we are._

And here they were. Killua had to keep himself from grinning – Milluki had called Gon his _friend._ Say what he will, but to Killua, it just validates the fact that he, _Killua Zoldyck_ , had somehow managed to find someone who’s crazy enough to accept all his weird upbringing and even want to be his _friend._ And his family all knew about it.

The right place at the right time. Albeit brief, there was a time where Killua was happy, free, and with a _friend._ He would feel sad about the thought of him never going to see Gon again, but he cast any sad thoughts aside and focused on the part where he was lucky enough to be at the right place at the right time to have met Gon. That thought should be enough to keep him happy for a lifetime.

The dungeon door suddenly opened, and in walked his mother and his youngest brother, Kalluto.

“Kil,” Kikyo said softly. “Have you learned your lesson?”

_There’s nothing to be learned. Why don’t you come closer so I can scratch your face again._

“It’s no use, Mama, he’s not even sorry,” Milluki scoffed. “We need to make him suffer _more."_

_‘Suffer more’? I’m not even suffering right now – this bores me to sleep, actually. The only thing that kept me awake is because I was thinking about –_

_– Gon._

Killua’s cheeks might’ve felt a bit warmer, despite the freezing temperature of the room. 

…It was probably just the newly formed scars from Milluki’s whip, though.

“Milluki! Shut your mouth!” Kikyo scolded, but her voice turned soft again when she addressed Killua. “Kil, stop being so stubborn and say that you’re sorry.”

 _But I’m_ not _sorry. Why would I say that?_

“Oh, right. That friend of yours…” Milluki speaks again. “Gon, was it?”

Gon. His name felt unfit to be spoken by someone like – someone like Milluki. How did he even know Gon’s name? Did he stalk him using those creepy big ass computers of his? It was weird to consider that Illumi would care enough to even remember Gon’s name, he probably just referred to him as _Killua’s friend_ or something.

“He’d be better off just leaving –”

_Just leaving?_

“– but it sounds like he wants to try the Testing Gate.”

“Gon’s here?” Killua asked without missing a beat.

He tried to not get his hopes up. For all he knows, Milluki could very well be playing mind games with him, trying to rile him up then rub salt on his fresh wounds – literally and figuratively. There was no reason why Gon would want to come here… Right? He’d be so much better off traveling the world with his friends now that they got their Hunter’s license or be on his way on a mission to find his deadbeat father. It must’ve been a lie… Right?

“Milluki! You’re talking too much!” Kikyo snapped, glancing at Killua with a concerned look in her eyes.

Oh.

Oh, so it’s true?

“Listen to me, Kil –”

“You didn’t tell me?!” Killua shouted.

A lash of whip landed on his face. “Don’t yell at Mama!”

“Milluki, I told you to shut your mouth!” Kikyo screeched. “I didn’t think I needed to tell you, Kil –”

_Just how you didn’t think you needed to tell me when ‘pain-killer’ Illumi put on my head was actually a needle to control everything I do, all those years ago?_

“– since it’s impossible for Gon to open the front gate, anyway.”

Now that’s a hilarious sentence – the word ‘impossible’ and ‘Gon’ never exactly belonged together. Killua thought it would be pointless to hide his smile now, since he couldn’t control the happiness blossoming on his chest. “He’ll do it.”

“What?” Kikyo asked.

“Gon will open it.”

Kikyo considered this for a second. It’s clear from her expression that she didn’t believe one bit that Gon could possibly open the impossibly heavy gate of their residence, but seeing the look on Killua’s face… 

“Well, that’s nice. But he’ll still never make it here –”

“Gon will,” Killua stated with absolute certainty. Actually, he himself wasn’t even sure _how_ Gon would do it. He couldn’t imagine his friend, all 5-foot-whatever of his tiny body, barging into his family’s dining area and demanded them to free Killua – heh. The thought was amusing. But still, it’s _Gon._ He’ll find a way somehow. All Killua got to do now is to sit back and wait for him to come.

_Well, if he didn’t, I’ll run away again and meet him halfway._

“He’ll do it.” Killua smiled. “He will definitely make it here.”

**

There should be a word made specifically for people like Gon, because what the hell was Killua supposed to describe him as? Or maybe he just needed to read more dictionaries, but he doesn’t have access to that and it seemed pretty boring, so his brain would have to do the extra work trying to find the perfect word that fits his best friend’s description.

So since he wasn’t doing anything interesting for the time being (well he was being chained and whipped daily by Milluki but it only leaves his mind wander about things like these), he came up with a list of facts about Gon that he’s known and seen thus far:

1\. Gon’s hella friendly and outgoing. Killua couldn’t figure out how exactly Gon did it, but _everyone_ loves him. Which is understandable, really, ~~because he was one of those people~~ , but the Hunter Exam wasn't exactly known for being an event where you gain friends. If anything, it’s kind of the opposite. But yet, somehow, this boy managed to snatch two friends before the exam even started, one friend (it’s him! It’s Killua! Killua’s his friend!) during the very first phase of the exam, and a few others who Killua knows would _love_ to be his friend if not for the circumstances along the way. He even suspects that Gon has befriended the Chairman and that weird mustache guy (What’s his name again? Satotz?), somehow. Not only that, but if what he’s heard from Milluka was right, his first two friends (Kurapika and… Leoredo?) are even willing to follow him all the way to Kukuroo mountain and into an assassin’s lair, where they could very well be killed or eaten by the beasts that roam in the forest. It almost sounds ridiculous if Killua had never met Gon, but he truly _understands_ why those two would follow him. Which brings Killua to point two:

2\. Gon’s stubborn but very optimistic. Usually stubborn people irk Killua, but Gon is so stubborn that it makes you want to be as stubborn as he is too. And the _optimistic_ part was no joke – this sunshine boy could really turn any situation around, no matter how dire it may seem, and makes it as though everything is fine even when you know that everything’s actually turning to shit. Killua’s convinced that the only thing that Gon knew about his father was the fact that he’s a Hunter, and that Gon’s been going on his finding-father mission fueled by sheer stubbornness and optimism that he’s eventually going to find his father _somehow_ , despite not knowing who the hell he is or where on earth he could’ve been. The guy could be dead, but Gon will somehow get him back to life (okay maybe that part’s not too great since he’s pretty sure that Gon’s not a necromancer, but hey, who knows, right?)

3\. Gon’s the only outsider (meaning that he wasn’t a Zoldyck or anyone that’s associated with the Zoldycks in any way) whose senses matched Killua’s. This alone is impressive – even Milluki, _a Zoldyck_ , couldn’t match the keenness of Killua’s senses even if he tried. Gon’s senses were very different from Killua’s, however, and this is where it gets interesting; Killua’s senses were polished, trained, and perfected from the moment he was born. Everything he knew was a result of the knowledge of many generations, and it is meant to kill and to attack. There are many defense techniques that he’s learned too, but his family wasn’t too focused on that because most of the time he doesn’t even _need_ to defend himself as his opponents would usually already be dead before they could lay a finger on him. Whereas Gon’s senses were developed naturally, and it was clear that he’s never even had a real formal training for any techniques before. Everything he did relies heavily on instincts and guts, and it’s meant to survive. Killua thought this was fascinating.

4\. Gon’s smile –

“Wake up!” Milluki shouted, interrupting Killua’s thoughts.

 _I wasn’t even sleeping,_ Killua thought begrudgingly. Still, he greeted, “Good morning, brother. What time is it?”

Milluki seethed, then whipped Killua across the face. “Don’t be too arrogant, Kil!”

“What?” Killua asked innocently. Milluki only scowled and raised his leather whip again. _Alright, alright, I’ll say what you want to hear._ “I feel really bad about stabbing you, you know. Sorry. It was the wrong thing to do.”

Milluki only added another round of whipping as his face reddens with rage. “You’re lying!”

“Oh, so you can tell?” Killua smirked, spitting the blood in his mouth.

“Your friends are near the butler’s office, you know.”

_Oh, so they went through the Testing Gate. About time._

“How about it, Kil?” Milluki asked, one eyebrow arched as he held his phone close to his ear. “If I ask Mama –”

_Oh, I know that look. Don’t fuck with me right now, Milluki, I’m not in the mood._

“– those three could–”

Killua heard the chain breaks and felt his body swaying slowly before he could register what happened. All colors has drained from Milluki’s face, which Killua thought was _stupid_ and look stupid cause _he_ was the one making stupid empty threats. Dumbass. He thought he could threaten his friends like that? He’ll show him how threats work. 

“Milluki,” Killua said calmly. “If you so much as _touch_ them, I’ll kill you.”

_Go on, tempt me. This old chain breaks without I even intended to, imagine what I could do to your body if I let myself loose._

“You– you can’t–” Milluki squeaked.

“Wanna find out?”

“Killua,” an older voice interrupted. Killua recognized the speaker immediately without even looking away from Milluki’s slightly terrified eyes – it was Grandfather Zeno. “You can go now. Silva wants to see you.”

“Father? ‘Kay.” Killua nodded, yanking the chains until it came down and breaking through the iron shackles that bound his hands. The scars from all the whipping didn’t compare to how _sore_ his back was after almost – How many days has it been now since he went into solitary confinement? Three weeks? – of being dangled up like a rag doll.

**

Killua had never expected his father to be interested in him for any other purposes other than to become his heir, so his father’s question took him by quite a surprise.

“What sort of people are they?”

What sort of people are they. What kind of question is that? They’re… people, that’s for sure, but Killua wasn’t sure _how_ to answer the question. ‘ _They’re not assassins’_ doesn’t sound too good. ‘ _They’re nice people’_ feels forced somehow? 

“They’re… uh. People I enjoy being with.” Killua answered eventually.

“How was the Exam?” Silva asked again.

“Easy.”

This was weird. Good weird, because Killua sensed no hostility from his father’s questions, but still weird. The last thing Silva ever asked him about something that’s not related to the assassination business was a _would you like a toy?_ question, with which Killua answered _yes_ and got his skateboard as a result. Asking him about how an exam went or _what kind of people were his friends_ just seemed a little too… casual, almost.

“Kil, come over here,” Silva said, patting a vacant spot on the bed. “I want you to tell me more.”

 _That’s so weird!_ Killua thought. _But okay, I guess._

So Killua told him more. About the first time he met Gon, and how he learned how to use a fishing pole – kind of. How Gon was the only other 12 years old participant in that exam other than him, which is fascinating in its own way because how often do you meet a 12 years old like that? Silva laughed at this, saying that _you’re a 12 years old like that!_ to which Killua responded with _yeah, but I’m me, and he’s not me. You know?_

The whole conversation felt like it went on for hours. Killua felt weird that Silva was so open and accepting about Killua’s new shenanigans outside of home, and even half-expecting him to scold him by the end of his story for even thinking about having friends the way Illumi and his mother might have done. But throughout the story, Silva’s eyes seemed… safe. It doesn’t harbor any resentment or hate, which was cool.

This was cool.

“Kil,” Silva said, just when Killua told him all about the Gon vs. Hanzo showdown and how resilient Gon was.

“Hm?”

“Do you want to see your friends?”

Killua hesitated. _Yes, of course, but what would be the cost of me saying that…?_

“You don’t need to hold back, you can tell me the truth.” Silva smiled. “Thinking back, we’ve never had a father-son chat before.”

_Yeah, and that’s because all you were interested in was how to train me into your stupid heir._

“I was raised by my parents to be an assassin, and I’ve raised you the same way. But you and I are different,” Silva said. “I didn’t realize that until you left home. You are my son, yes, but you are also your own person.”

“So, Kil, live as you please. If you ever get tired, you can come home.”

This… All seemed too good to be true. _Dad’s willing to let me go? ...Why?_

“I’ll ask you one more time. Do you want to see your friends?” Silva asked.

 _Well, whatever’s the reason, I don’t care. I’m_ not _missing this chance._ “Yes,” Killua said without missing a beat.

“I understand. You’re free now. But –” Silva bit his thumb, drawing blood. “Promise me one thing. Never betray your friends. Understand?”

Killua nodded, bit his thumb, then brought it together to Silva’s. “I promise. I’ll never betray them.”

And just like that, he was… Free.

He was free?

_I’m free?_

_I’m… Free._

**Author's Note:**

> aaah i really hope i did all the characters well! ALSO SORRY FOR THE LEORIO NAME SLANDER HDBJHDG and thank you for reading, i hope you enjoyed it!! comments and kudos are much appreciated! also, you can hit me up on twitter @komacinne if you ever wanna talk to me!! also please don't hesitate to call me out on any grammatical/any other mistakes hehe


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